My heart and mind are caught in a bar brawl and I am writing a list, 101 reasons why I do not want to take a bath in a tub full of cheap barroom whiskey. I am under so much pressure, that every time I yell about my mundane frustrations, a diamond falls out of my mouth.
Some days, I scoop my frustrations in my hands and try to cradle it to sleep by singing lullabies of overly positive dreams. Songs of butterflies and arranging a pack of crayons in color coordination and symphonies of sweater weather and fall mugs hanging in roadside bazaars. Alas! I have always been terrible with babies and amazeballs with off-tune singing.
So, on most days I tell myself that breaking down over your upcoming examinations is okay, breaking down over the end of a story that made me cry is okay, breaking down over my lunch in school’s cafeteria is okay. I will break down till I become fond of rock bottoms and collaborate poems with Sisyphus. I am not a Phoenix, I will not rise from my ashes. I will pick myself up searching for each fragment of my scattered soul without wearing my glasses. I will glue myself like my messy elementary art project a day before it’s due.
Survival instinct is the only thing I need in my backpack. When they ask me to live, I will tell them I physically can’t do that because my life is a wound that needs to bleed before it heals. I will bleed. I will survive.
On nights, I will learn to countdown for crescent smiles, gaze at wonky shapes of clouds and copy them in my journal. I will make a dress out of cloudy pages and wear them to parties where rainbows disappear in coat hangers. Till then, I am daydreaming about alternate universes and writing fanfictions in my head where my heart and mind are getting along.
When on a far, far-fetched night, my heart is cuddling with my mind, sharing puns they found on the Internet, I will finally not stink of bars but DIY scented candles. My thoughts would stop reminiscing about rope cutters. I will no longer fall on floors that have CAUTION SLIPPERY FLOOR signs
When my heart and mind will question me, “Why so serious? ” I will smile a crescent smile and stop bleeding.
//”Bar Brawls of Heart and Mind”// Enigma
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Picture Credits: Enigma (Inktober 2020 Art Day 12 Slippery)